Is Internalized homophobia holding you back in life?

• You conceal your identity at work.
• You feel uncomfortable talking about being gay.
• You would rather be straight if you could.

Ask yourself these following questions:

1. Are you openly gay to your family and friends?
2. Are you "out" at work?
3. Is it realistic for you to be committed in a monogamous relationship?
4. Would you feel comfortable kissing your partner hello in a restaurant?
5. When running into an acquaintance on the street would you introduce your significant other as your partner?
6. Do you feel comfortable holding your partner's hand while walking down the street or in a public place?
7. Would you invite your partner to dance at a straight wedding or event?
8. Are you comfortable using the term "gay" in public or do you tend to lower your voice when speaking?
9. Are having children and a family with your partner a reality for you? (If that's what you want)
10. Are you living the best life possible as a gay man or woman?

If you've answered no to any of these questions, chances are that you are homophobic yourself.

The New York Times Sunday Styles section recently published an announcement of the commitment ceremony my partner Bill and I had. I can't tell you how much it meant to us to know that the world was in some manner not only acknowledging but also accepting our happy event. Several days later on of our neighbors approached me and very kindly gave me her congratulations. She then paused and said, "James, I do not know how to ask this, but when you were putting your announcement up for publication in the New York Times, didn't you feel a little apprehensive?" For some time I have suspected her son was gay and I could see where the question was coming from. All I could say to her was, "If your grandchild's birth announcement could be placed in The New York Times, would that make you feel apprehensive? Or would it make you feel proud?" She immediately saw my point and felt a little embarrassed but could appreciate my answer.

My point here is about how our families shape our ideas of what we should think and feel about our lives. We take these ideals, turn them into fears and then we use them as barriers in our own lives.

Ask yourself: How many times in your life have you made concessions by choosing not to express yourself freely; trying to hide the fact that you were gay? Many of us will answer "almost everyday." It's the little things we do or rather don't do over the years that have inhibited our personal freedom. We may tolerate our parent's views as if our personal life was a family embarrassment. We talk about our "girl friends" or "boy friends" in the work place or worse we display "pictures" on our desk in our offices. We are afraid of commitment to long-term relationships in fear of coming out completely or we sabotage good relationships for the same reason. In actuality, we have become homophobic ourselves.

Coming out itself is very hard work, but it's only the first step towards complete personal liberation. My work and focus as a coach is to help my clients to full self-acceptance as proud gay men and women. However, it takes hard work and action to do so. It's the little steps we take everyday that can make the difference in our lives. My objective at Knopfpartners is to help my clients overcome common fears of inadequacy and shame as gay men and women in order to live the happiest and most fulfilling lives possible.